If anyone really cares to know . . .

Does anyone really care what the author thinks or does on a daily basis, or how he comes up with the stuff he writes? I mean, I never did. Well, maybe there was that time I wondered if Stephen King really thought I was going to buy his books just because his name was on them.

For all those who are fascinated with what a writer thinks about when he (or she) is writing, I can only tell you about myself. I just want to see how many people I can piss off. I'm not talking about my mother or father, either. I'm talking about whole groups of people, or even just someone I don't like. My philosophy of anger management is this: If I don't like you, you get an honorary place as a character in my book where I can do all kinds of nasty things to you without suffering the consequences. Does that make me evil? I think it makes me resourceful. Therapy without a fee.

On the other hand, if I like you . . . forget about it.

Does anyone really care what my political or religious views are? Hope not. Don't have any. But you might have noticed if you read the Djinn books. I look at religion and politics as just great comedy.

I do have a serious side; I just left it in my other pants, and those might have already gone to the Salvation Army by now. The point being: there is none. Life is too short to be so hung up on things. Relax, dream, aspire, then beat the crap out of those who laugh in your face for doing so. To hell with them.

Here are my tips for living life to its fullest:
 
If you must go to church, bring a whoopie cushion. Sit next to one of those blue-haired octogenarians and look appalled.
 
Go to a funeral of someone you know and tell everyone what you really thought of him. This would be a good time to fess up to any sexual experiences the two of you shared.
 
Go to an opera and sing along with the players on stage. Use your command voice.
 
Dance at a sporting event. If you're overweight, take your shirt off and paint yourself the other team's colors.
 
Crash a wedding. The bridesmaid is looking to get laid, too.
 
When deciding on a career change, take your boss to lunch to tell him. Drink to your heart's content, puke like you mean it, and stick him with the tab. Remember, you can't take it with you.